


Letters Dan Didn't Send

by BeccaBear93



Series: What They Did and Didn't Say [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-05-25
Packaged: 2018-04-01 03:58:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4005037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeccaBear93/pseuds/BeccaBear93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The idea for this series originally came from two things: listening to Fall Out Boy's newest album a LOT, and the image of Dan starting lots of letters with no intention of actually sending them, and then crumpling them up and throwing them away unfinished. This was what I wanted to write. The first part was honestly just to set this up, and was written when I was sick and delirious. It's horrible, and I apologize for that. Hopefully this part is a little better. </p><p>Warning for swearing. Also, I didn't have anyone Brit-pick, so I'm sorry if I horribly screwed something up.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Letters Dan Didn't Send

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this series originally came from two things: listening to Fall Out Boy's newest album a LOT, and the image of Dan starting lots of letters with no intention of actually sending them, and then crumpling them up and throwing them away unfinished. This was what I wanted to write. The first part was honestly just to set this up, and was written when I was sick and delirious. It's horrible, and I apologize for that. Hopefully this part is a little better. 
> 
> Warning for swearing. Also, I didn't have anyone Brit-pick, so I'm sorry if I horribly screwed something up.

Dear P

* * *

Phil,

By the time you see this

* * *

Who am I kidding, I'm never going to let you see this.

* * *

I'm sorry.

* * *

Phil,

You're probably wondering by now why I left, or where I am. In fact, I can hear my phone going off over and over again, and I'm sure it's from your calls and messages. I had to leave it in the other room, though. If I answer the phone or read any of your texts now, I'm sure I'd change my mind and come back.

The truth is, I've been thinking about this for a long time, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to you about it. I can't stand the thought of your kicked puppy eyes, and even more, I can't stand the thought of all the questions you'd ask. Mostly, "why?" The answer to that question is both very short and very long.

The short answer: I love you.

The long answer: I've always admired you and loved you as a friend. It's always been hard when we're separated--when there isn't someone by my side to turn to and tell the stupid joke I just thought of, or when there isn't already coffee made and an anime ready on the telly when I wake up, or when I see something at the shops that I know you'd like but I don't get it because you're nine hours away.

And I suddenly realised a few months ago that some day, you're going to want to move out and get married and have kids. And even though we'd probably still be a part of each others' lives, it wouldn't be a constant. I would be a secondary thought of, 'Oh, I haven't seen Dan in a while. I wonder how he's doing, maybe I should give him a call.' And that hurt a lot more than I'd expect.

And once I'd realised that, it didn't take long to figure out that sometime over the course of six years, without me even fully realising it, "I love you as a friend" turned into "I'm in love with my best friend." It maybe wasn't as big of a surprise as it should have been.

So I left, because it was too difficult to hide once I'd noticed it, and because the thought of being permanently separated from you was a little less painful if I could at least control when it happened.

Yours,  
Dan

* * *

I finally read all of your texts and listened to all the voicemails. I wish I could tell you I'm fine, but this has to be a clean break or I know I'll come crawling back.

Stop apologizing. None of this is your fault; it's mine.

* * *

I watched the radio show today. I knew you'd be fine without me.

But I guess some small, selfish part of me kind of hoped

* * *

I can't believe you're still keeping track of how long I've been gone. I'm sorry I left you wish so many questions. I almost want to send this letter, just to give you some closure.

You're almost right; none of them know where I went, either. Except Louise. I stayed with her for a bit before I went back to my parents'. Don't blame her, though. I made Louise swear not to tell you, and she still feels horrible about it and thinks I'm doing the wrong thing.

I know I left a lot of my stuff at the flat. I meant to come back for it at some point, but I was always too worried that you'd be there. Eventually I decided it wasn't worth the risk and decided to leave it all there. It's amazing how easily you can learn to live without things that you thought you needed. Painful, but easy.

Ha. Yes, I am sleeping horribly without you. Yes, I am staying up way too late and sleeping in even later.

Yes, I am thinking too much.

No, there isn't anybody else. Even after not seeing you for a month, it's still just you.

I am okay, in some senses of the word.

* * *

It's still just you, it's always just you, and I fucking hate it.

* * *

No, I haven't changed my number. I know I should, but I like seeing your messages, even if they're only once a month now.

* * *

I went to the zoo today. I thought of you when I saw the red pandas, and the lions of course. And the giraffes. And the goats in the petting zoo. And the hippos.

Shit.

* * *

"I still love you"?

What the hell does that mean?!

At first I thought, 'It doesn't mean anything. You were never anything, not like that. Of course he loved you, in the same way that you would have said it a year ago.'

But then I thought about the fact that you never once said "I love you" in any way. And you're only saying it now, four months after I've left and you don't even think I'll see it. So why would you possibly do that, unless...?

No.

Yes?

No, I can't let myself think like that.

Besides, even if there was some chance... It's too late now.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone has read my old fics from before I moved over to AO3, you'll know that for some reason, I am physically incapable of NOT writing happy endings. So if you like your angst, stop here. If you want some fluff, I'll have the third part up soon.


End file.
